Who am I after healing? My Chosen Identity
- Mar 2
- 5 min read
Doesn’t it sometimes feel like in the process of healing or recovering, you lose a sense of who you are?
It does to me.
Yes, I can say I’ve battled my demons and won. I’m triumphant and strong-willed because I overcame what plagued me. But, who am I now that I have such a familiar piece of me removed?
It’s tempting to retreat to what I know because then, at least, I know exactly who I am. I know exactly what to expect from myself. But then I wouldn’t be healed, would I?
The truth is, nothing has been removed. Not for me. I still have all the memories of my former self. Lying in the darkness. Staring at the ceiling. Silently crying. Wondering if the pain I felt would ever stop attacking me.
And though those memories are distant, they are still a part of me. I’m ok with that, in truth. But I know that most people are not. The idea that I carry around such heavy emotions makes some people uncomfortable. Family. Friends. Co-workers. So, I feel like I must shield them with a layer of superficiality, so that they know I’m okay. I’m good.
But sometimes I wonder, what would it feel like to be authentic all the time without becoming too much?
Who I Am When No One Needs Me to Be “Good”
I used to think authenticity was about being the same person in every situation. Lately, I’ve realized it’s more about understanding what actually matters to me when no one is asking anything of me.
That sounds simple. Until anxiety or depression enters the picture. When your mind is clouded, self-perception gets distorted. You start questioning even the smallest instincts.
In those moments, I’ve had to ask myself quieter questions:
What choices feel right even when no one sees them?
When do I feel calm instead of validated?
What values do I hold even when I’m not at my best?
For me, kindness shows up here. It’s something I care deeply about, even when I don’t always have the energy to express it outwardly. Something as simple as holding the door open for someone oddly makes me feel more like myself. Remembering that has helped me trust myself again, especially during moments of doubt.
How Values Can Shift Across Life Stages
Values aren’t set in stone though. They evolve as you grow, face new challenges, and gain different perspectives. As a teenager who struggled with anxiety, I prioritized safety and predictability. It brought me a sense of comfort to know, or at least have a sense, of what to expect in a day. But later in life, I’ve found that courage and spontaneity are more important to me.
So, try to embrace every version of yourself.
It can reduce frustration that comes when you feel disconnected from your past self or unsure about your current identity. It’s normal for values to change, especially when mental health conditions influence your experiences.
The Version of Me I Was Given vs. the One I’ve Chosen
Some parts of our identity are handed to us before we even know what an identity is. It’s not optional, it’s mandatory. And it’s not usually given through words, but through expectation. Through what was praised, what was ignored, and what felt unsafe to express. I learned early on which parts of myself made things easier for everyone else. And which parts needed to be softened or hidden. Healing has provided me with the opportunity to ask whether those versions of me were ever choices at all, or simply ways I learned to survive. Choosing myself now doesn’t mean rejecting where I came from. It means deciding what I no longer need to carry.
If you’re having trouble choosing, it can help to:
Make a list of inherited beliefs you feel pressured to follow.
Identify which beliefs resonate with your current feelings and which don’t.
Experiment with new roles or activities that feel more authentic.
Seek support from mental health professionals or peer groups who understand your experience.
This process takes time and patience. It’s okay to feel uncertain or to change your mind as you learn more about yourself.
When Self-Doubt Persists
Self-doubt is an unwelcome companion of mine. Like a house guest who’s outstayed their welcome. It can make finding yourself feel like an impossible task. I try to make changes based on what I believe I can be. And then I’m reminded how much I don’t know. How much better other people are than me at…literally everything. So, what’s the point of even trying, right?
Of course not! When the loud, persistent voice of self-doubt clouds your mind, you might question every decision or feel unworthy of your own values.
In those trying times:
Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a close friend who is struggling.
Focus on small wins. Celebrate moments when you act in line with your values, no matter how small.
Limit exposure to toxic motivation. Avoid messages that blame or shame you for your struggles.
Use grounding techniques to calm anxiety when self-doubt spikes.
Remember, self-doubt does not define your worth or your identity. It is a feeling that will pass, not a truth about who you are.
Who I Am Beyond the Labels
For a long time, my mental health felt like the most effective way to describe me.
Depressed. Anxious.
It was shorthand, and sometimes it felt easier to let it be the whole story than to explain everything else.
I know those labels describe real experiences. They explain the patterns. They give language to pain. But they don’t tell you what makes me laugh, or what I notice when the room is quiet. Or how deeply I care, even when I’m too tired to show it.
I feel most people find their identity through connections with other people. And I do too. Sometimes.
Other times I most closely identify with the couch. And my comfy pants. And slippers. Not that I don’t enjoy being social, I just understand what brings me my sense of calm.
So, embracing an identity beyond mental health doesn’t mean suddenly becoming social or productive or “better.” Some days it just means noticing what still exists underneath the fog. The things that don’t disappear even when motivation does.
On days when leaving the house feels like too much, that might look like:
· Paying attention to what holds your interest, even briefly
· Letting yourself enjoy something without turning it into self-improvement
· Noticing moments of calm or curiosity instead of forcing happiness
And it doesn’t have to involve communities or conversations or courage. Sometimes it’s just staying with yourself long enough to remember that you are more than what you’re struggling with.
Finding your identity doesn’t have to equate to distancing yourself from mental health.
It’s about widening the frame.
About making room for the parts of you that were never broken, just quiet.
That kind of growth is slow and often invisible, but it’s real.
And it counts.
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